Fuck, Am I Old?

Ok so remember when Carrie was sitting at her 35th birthday dinner at Il Cantinori (that no one showed up to) and the woman at the table next to her was blowing out her birthday candles saying "25! Fuck I’m old!”. That scene replays in my head all the time.

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When did I become 29? More importantly when did I become 29, single, not sure what I want to do with my life, living in a too-expensive-one-bedroom apartment in New York City with a cat and not really knowing what’s next?

Is it just me or did we never really think we would grow up? Sure I would look at adults and think about what I would be like at their age…but I guess I would never really imagine getting there. Just me?

My expectations of what my life would be at 29 just don’t match up, and I’m mad about it. 

Was I too casual in my early 20s? Did I not care enough about finding a partner, concentrating on my passions, or moving up in a company? More than that, why didn’t I start my own company? Or take up photography in college? Start an Instagram account the day the app launched? Coulda woulda shoulda, right?

On the bright side, In some ways I do feel more sure of myself - what my strengths and weaknesses are. What kind of friend I want to be, what kind of friend I want in my life. I’ve really tried to let go of the people and things that don’t ‘feed my soul.’

But in other ways I feel like a complete disaster. I have less than a year to make Forbes 30 Under 30 (can you say delusional?). I don’t know what I really want to do with my life. I don’t really know where I want to live either. This wasn’t part of the plan.

And as many time as my friends and family say “You're exactly where you should be” or “it’s not a race and you'll figure it out” just doesn’t seem to put my mind at ease. It’s like a clock is ticking in my head screaming, “FIGURE IT THE FUCK OUT BEFORE YOU’RE 30.” Like a work deadline hanging over my head and I don't even know where to begin.

Anyone else? Am I alone in this? Please say it isn’t so.